Boogers

That's what I said. Boogers, slime, gelled waste that beckons from the tiny nose hole for a tiny finger. I ask, "What are you doing?" only to be answered with a "huh?" and glazed over eyes. I wonder sometimes if they are really picking brain cells since they never seem to realize their finger is still in their nose as they answer me. Aahh, that's why some people never stop!

Hand Washing

It's amazing! I could ask, "Did you draw on the table?" "Yeah", he says with a smile. "Did you pull her hair?" "Yep!", he gleefully responds. Oh but if I ask, "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeeaaah!", he lies as he tries to flee the bathroom at sonic speed. Amazing! What is it about water that makes a liar out of tiny people. They lie to me about playing in it and lie to me about using it. Next comes the feeble attempt of sticking two fingers under the faucet for a second and then wasting three feet of paper towels drying them. IF soap makes an appearance, it is only on one palm and promptly washed off like an iceberg slipping into the ocean. Scrubbing? Scrubbing is too hard! The irony is too much. If I gave them a bucket of soapy water and a scrub brush, everything in sight would be scrubbed...twice. 

Twisting the Truth

An old game pops into my head for this next one. A line of people sit down and one person whispers something into another's ear. Object is for the statement to come out the same on the other end. Does it ever? Nope. I think it is more because of that one "funny" kid that figures it would be hilarious to mess things up than the lack of short term memory. 

Little ones, they cut out the middle man and twist the story to their liking without shame and in clear ear-shot of me. I guess they forget I exist as they walk across the room with a deviant look of "you're going to get your comeuppance" on their face. 

Justice?

Apparently, an accident is only an accident when you are the one responsible. Otherwise...Outrage! Foul play! Villainy! With the decibels off the chart across the room, you would think that someone lost an eye. The pleas of the innocent go unheeded. “Off with his head!” Thank goodness justice is not left up to the little ones.

 

Sharing

Sharing

What's yours is mine and what's mine is...mine. That sums it up nicely. The definition of sharing apparently is fuzzy in little minds. Once a little mind sets little eyes on a desired object, those little hands will do (or say) anything to get it. If I truly thought that they were capable of coldly calculating the deceit, I just might find another line of work. 

 

Space Invaders

On a daily basis, I am groped, pawed, poked, grabbed, pinched and generally mauled from the literal first second I step into the room to the last child leaving. Don't get me wrong, a hug is nice, but when a little boy comes over and stretches his hands up in an attempt to be picked up, they don't end up on my shoulders. Personal space is not in their vocabulary and I am apparently a moving theme park ride. 

This is an older comic I drew. It's a little crude and Colby didn't help me clean it up. Sorry. 

The Paradox

Have you ever been followed around by a child trying desperately to fix his situation by doing the very thing he was told not to do? I have, frequently. This contradictory behavior is amazing to watch. It will also give you lock-jaw from all the teeth clenching you do to keep from finding the nearest duct tape. This point usually comes when he sets his record on “repeat” and drags himself across the floor as if he is the lone survivor in a vast desert of oppression. Oh the irony, if only he would stuff a sock in it, he wouldn't be in trouble anymore.

 

Sociopaths

Kids will be kids...or is it Sociopaths?

Sociopath: a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts. Hhhmm, sound familiar? I am at a loss for words when I stare into the gleeful eyes of a child who has committed nothing short of aggravated assault. Surely he knows what is coming to him...surely.

Loyalty?

“There's no honor among thieves.” Or more fittingly, “Every kid for himself.” I have found that loyalty is not in their vocabulary. Those kids will sell each other out for a dime! Nope, a penny. Best friend one minute, joking and laughing it up, then dastardly foes the next. One thing that will burn down a friendship faster than any known tactic is food. Don't mess with their food. Threaten to take away their plates, even though they have no intention of eating that last green bean, and it's suddenly, “What friend? I had a friend?” 

The Supernova

We can't address tantrums without identifying the “supernova”. When a star suddenly turns off its production of energy, a supernova occurs. It hit me the other day that this was a perfect illustration of what happens to some children. “I'm not your friend!”, a little one sneers from across the table. Now it has begun. The little girl doubles over, balling up herself in a gravitational collapse that forms a black hole of energy. It doesn't matter what I say next, the anger is building and must be released in the most destructive way possible. I decide to try and intervene thinking I can stop the interstellar shock wave that is about to occur. I touch her shoulder gently and call her name. “NO!” she wails as the floodgate of tears release. Then an explosion of kicking, flailing, screaming child expands in every direction. I hold on for dear life, and take a mental snapshot of what my next comic will look like. 

Water Torture

A person might not think a drop of water could bring you to insanity, but take one drop, repeat by a few thousand and now we are in business. I wondered how long it took to invent this as I looked into the eyes of a child that seemed to have modified the concept to his benefit with ease. I just don't think there is a way to prepare you for the broken record child. The child that, no matter how many times you say “Wait”, “Stop”, “In a minute”, “Be quiet”, always has one more thing he just has to say. Then every time you try to cut him off, he just starts over as if you just said, “Continue my child.” “Just Stop!”, you say as your hand goes up to block the invisible barrage of whiny words. “But I...I Just....” he pushes on. HOLY FRIHOLES!

No Playing in the Water

I'm so mean and a killer of fun apparently. I completely understand the magnetic draw that water has on children. I also understand the magnetic draw gravity has to the floor when a child slips in a soapy pond on the bathroom tiles. This fact of science the little water bugs just haven't grasped yet. I have even tried putting a cartoon up of a child creating a large waterfall out of the kitchen sink on the mirror in the bathroom as a visual reminder. Yeah right, it doesn't even slow them down. I am amazed at how fast one small child can stop up a drain, empty the soap dispenser, and soak themselves in the process. Skills I tell you, skills.

 

The Jelly Legs

You've got to be kidding me...right? You say this to yourself as the little one crumbles to the floor, gushing “no's” and “I don't wanna's”. You stand in disbelief, as the battle begins over who has the power. Who's going to win? “You better believe it's gonna be me!”, you mutter subconsciously as your back tenses, teeth grit and hand invariably goes on your hip. Why you ask? Oh I'll tell you why, because for the next who knows how long, you get to experience what I call, “the wet noodle,” the jelly legs.” Take your pick, giving it a cute name is the only way my head doesn't go nova when the child's legs suddenly stop working and all you are left with is a body dangling from a tiny hand. 

My Cartoon Moments

I started drawing cartoon strips for moments like these as a release for myself to see the humor in something otherwise infuriating. Oh, and here's a great one, putting on the shoes. “I don't wanna put my shoes on!”, the child wails as he squirms on the floor in front of you in seeming excruciating pain. Is there a bear trap inside of them? We haven't even reached the shoe putting on part, we are just working on the socks. Now comes the fake attempt to put a sock on. The half-heatedly sticking it over one toe, then pulling so hard it rockets off and he get's to moan, “ See, I can't do it!” Laziness! Wait, I hear the snack cart coming down the hall, and the socks fly. I've never seen socks and shoes go on little feet so fast. It's a miracle, suddenly the lost memories of how a sock goes on a foot returns, that missing shoe just popped out of nowhere onto his foot and I have a little one asking for his shoes to be tied who is apparently suffering from amnesia of the events that just took place. All for the love of food that they may or may not even attempt to eat, judging on how “funny” it looks.